Wednesday, February 29, 2012

marriage slavehood

All my biggest problems started the day I got married.  When a person gets married arent we supposed to be equals?   I have a part time job, have 2 kids to chase around getting them to school, cleaning the house, taking our Autistic son to his music therapy class, I go to school, I have a mother with severe mental disabilities, our 3 year old who never EVER leaves me alone, household repairs and I do 90% of the cooking.  I just ask him to do laundry, dishes, and help once in awhile with cleaning the house.  he works 1 full time job.  I wish I were him, I really really do.  go to work, come home, eat, watch tv, go to bed. wake up, eat, get kids off bus, do about 30 min of cleaning and go to work again.  I rarely get to have an adult conversation with peole that makes sense.  I can have conversations with my coworkers but I have never been good about talking to my own peers.  I am socially inept.  most of the time i hear spongebob, veggietales, barney, dora.  I hear all their god-awful voices over and over and over.  I dont know how to converse with childless, free people.  I actually am alittle jealous of my single friends.  they have freedom.  I honestly thought the term chains and shackels were just used.. now I understand why and what they mean.  my husband is my ball and chain.  I am sure i am not a fricken ball of joy to live with sometimes either but I wonder if I should just stop making life so easy for him would he step up?  Sometimes I see other guys and I begin to try and mash up my husband with him.  when I go to sleep at night I pretend  I am laying next to a version of my husband that I want.  hes not as bad now but before medication he was neurotic, paranoid, annoying as hell, useless when he was in his ocd state, and just overall a hazard.   Now that our 7 fricken year anniversary is coming up I am wishing we had one of those "I do... for now" marriages.  apparently these are getting popular.  a couple gets married... and agree to stay married for a predetermined amount of time.  like 2 years.  then at the end of those 2 years if they realize that they arent meant for eachother than they can have an amicable split.  no hurt feelings, no barriers, no surprises.  but we have a traditional marriage where its til death do us part.  I happen to wonder who's death are we talking about?  I dont want to kill him, and if I kill myself that totally goes against having some freedom.  so i dunno.   plus I love our children but now that we have them, we are forever tied together.  we could divorce right now and yet. I would see him on weekends or whenever he "remembers" to come visit.  if his current record of "remembering" is any indication... then he would never see the kids.  He is a great father.. i wonder if its because of his mentality?  is it so close to the kids' that he fits with them.. I am his wife, not his mother, not his f-in slave and definately not his daycare provider.  dammit!  I now understand why more people cheat on their spouse between the 5th and 10th year.  this time sucks!!  I have so much stress placed on me... oh sure its easy to say "well have him help you with somethings and lighten your load" oh sure he forgets every fricken thing now.. i cant imagine how it would be if whatever it was was actually important.  god help our kids if I am ever in a coma.  NOTHING WOULD BE DONE!! EVER!!  I need a vacation.  A old friend from high school asked me to come to her wedding.  and all I can say is HELL YES!  it might only be for a few days but that is a few days withut the husband, kids, cat, mom, work, homework, sleep deprivation.   If I could go back in time and tell myself something it would be #1 forget that ass from high school.. purposely stringing me along while making out with 2 other girls too forget him.. hes an ass.   #2 your going to get married.. he is a good man but DO NOT TAKE ANY OF HIS SHIT!!  fight back and fight back hard... stand your ground.  just wait a few years to get married.  have some FUN while your still single.  I know Im just a chubby mommy now but I was kinda cute when I was younger.  definitely not a head turner tho.  I wonder if thats what is actually keeping me with my husband.  #1 the kids love their daddy and he is good with them  #2 I am a chubby woman but I dont think any other guy would want me or would tolerate me.  so if I ever lose alot of weight... he had better watch out.........................................

Monday, February 20, 2012

Need a bigger bat...

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” ~~dr. seuss~~

Who would have thought that Dr. Seuss was such a badass? 

I have been married for seven years to the same man and together we have 2 beautiful children. Our 5 year old son is Autistic and our 3 year old daughter is way too much like me (according to my husband).  She is independant, strong, stubborn, smart to a fault and eager to learn.  Both are little Hilter youth (blonde hair, blue eyed) but with Angel smiles.

I wanted to be the ball-busting woman who worked and who's life revolved around work.  I believed that I was woman hear me roar and I was gonna roar loudly.  I never wanted a husband or children.  I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life but I was sure as hell not wanting to be miss mommy homemaker/ chubby betty crocker. Then I moved to a new town and met a man.
 After a 2 year courtship we got married. We never expected our lives to change as much as they did on that one day.

All our problems literally started on our wedding day, and haven't ended since.

 I guess I just need a bigger bat...and a time machiene.

will write more tomorrow!